Archive | Love and Loss poetry

You Left Me on the Side of the Road in the Rain

You left me on the side of the road in the rain
My Goat would have never done that
His love is beyond the human type of love
that smells from what is conditional
that reeks from seething judgment and criticism
with the stench of trying to gain something
instead of being consumed by what one can give.

You left me on the side of the road in the rain
Didn’t care whether or not I had a jacket or umbrella
whether my shoes were cloth that absorbed my tears
making each step without you feel like the weight of the world.
I grieved hard, but luckily it did not last forever.
Luckily I decided I would have my last cry
and then be thankful that the Universe cared enough about me
to take you away.

You left me on the side of the road in the rain
I pity you when you realize what you have done
Maybe it will happen in your next life
when you are less selfish
You will reflect on your coldness that made your heart into an iceberg
that couldn’t be melted though you were placed
next to the sunshine of mine.

You left me on the side of the road in the rain.
Eventually I found my way to freedom
and you became the force that pushed me
out of my own fearful limitations.
You played the role I created for you
even though I wrote the ending in the dark
unable to proofread my illegible words.
I forgot I created that it would end this way.
I forgot I created you to push me to be who I really am.

But you had some free will
and you could have rewritten the cold intensity
and gave me a soft landing instead.
But you chose the harsh role
and left me on the side of the road in the rain.

I have planted a garden on that portion of the road
where my heart was knocked out of its pericardium.
Tomato plants, rhubarb, kale and strawberries
now grow at the scene of destruction.
But I will never forget
that you left me on the side of the road in the rain.

I Wish I Could….

I wish I could make you feel…
Feel with your heart
instead of always thinking with your head.
I wish I could
make you empathic
so that you could deeply understand
what another feels
– animals, plants, people,
so that you could feel
what they feel and immediately care about them.
I wish I could
extend your heart
so that you loved so deeply
you couldn’t stop loving.
That you’d see
Everyone as loveable –
animals, plants, people.
I wish I could make you understand
the ways of the heart,
the language of emotions,
the depth of feeling
of animals, plants, people.
We would always be together,
We would never be apart
We would feel
our feelings and care deeply
about each other’s happiness
and well being.
I wish I could
extend your compassion
so that you cared deeply about
animals, plants, people.
I wish I could make you understand me
so that we would have access
to each other on deep levels.
We would feel each other’s heart
when we held hands
and never be apart.
I wish I could…

So many talks on phone and on skype
So much time deliberating what to do or not do
Seems it was back and forth for an eternity
Like we had always known each other
And known the distance like a tight glove
Known the physical distance that sometimes
Paralleled the emotional distance
When mind and heart did not connect
We waited it out anyway, endured and found no peace within the waiting
We had hope, anticipation, fights and mending
But now the tide is calm and I cannot hear any birds
I do not hear the fish swimming against any current
I hear nothing, not the sound of the waves back and forth on a course sand beach
Not the wind, nor do I feel the sun on my back or on my face
I hear and feel nothing.
Numb, like my fingers in a chilled stagnant snow,
Cold and stoic.
I am not lost, nor found.
I simply exist along with many others.
I no longer take up space in your mind.
I didn’t take up much space in your heart
I made you my center and waited for it to blossom
It neither blossomed nor found its roots.
We simply drifted.

I Would Have Followed You to the Moon

       You’re etched into my memory
like a full body tattoo
chiseled images of you
on the inside of my heart.
I can go nowhere
cant do anything
without asking:
Where are you?
Why did you go?
Why did you have to leave?
What am I going to do without you?
You were my Rock,
My Rock of Gibraltar
my Rocky
My solid mass of four footed assuredness,
grounded to reality,
with four hooves
and a hard head that rivaled mine.
I scream your name,
but the walls echo back emptiness
Your call is now a distant memory
My favorite sound in the world
A goat calling my name.
I lived for you,
my heart existed for you
My reason to live was you
and now all I have
is a box of your ashes,
a hoof print,
some of your hair
and my memories of you.
I would have followed you to the moon,
would have done anything
to get you healthy again.
I was one complicated mass of Denial
believing you’d get well,
that I’d find a Shangri La
so we could be together beyond time…
but you left,
you left,
you left
and I am left – here.
You came to me in a dream
kissing Sunshine’s head, between his horns
Yes, I will take care of my other son for you.
I will stay with this herd
that is now down to one goat and me- broken hearted
I would have followed you to the moon
but instead you went away
left your body and me here.
You were my center
and now I wait to figure out
how do I live without you?
You were my Rock of Gibraltar
My Rocky
I would have Followed You to the Moon.

Door Open

You left the door open

and I walked on through.

You left the door open

and I walked on through.


I gave you a chance,

then another,

then another and another.

I thought tolerance was a virtue

until I saw the door was open.

I thought I should stay and work things out,

mend, heal, become even more tolerant,

forgive, forget.

I stayed and wrestled with reality,

told myself to expand and accept,

to be patient, kind and reasonable,

to adjust and keep adjusting.

To stick it out

and let things improve

by being grateful.

But then I noticed

that the door

was left open

and I walked on through.


Steep Journey

Turning ‘round to face Mecca –

not the one in the Middle East,

the one east of me, in the Coachella Valley of California.

Sort of screwed up by my lack of spontaneous travel nowadays,

making stories of others’ adventures enough for me

as I sit in my arm chair…

…You were my Adventure –

my mountain climb during an avalanche

my skydive without functional parachute.

I hit ground

and lost my face.

Lost also my sense of reasoning

of what makes sense and what makes me crazy,

switched the two in my mind,

made normal become sick and sick become normal.

I tossed, and turned, like a bean in a salad

like a pillow fight all night long.

My head not finding rest

my mind a sponge to anything screaming peace.

But the act of screaming silenced any chance for serenity

and created You and Me

in between known and unknown,

yearning and turning back

going forward to fast,

while never yet beginning.

You had me like this.

I was at once the Stop Sign and the Go.

As confused as a two-headed snake

succumbing to temptation

and becoming a bad Buddhist

with no ability to detach.

You made me this.

And I allowed it.

Became the crazy lady people might have thought I was.

like a mad scientist,

but neither scientific nor mad.

I was, instead, madly-in-love

with a phantom that only existed in my mind.

I made you this.

And you made me this.

And we existed in time somewhere,

but we were always late to arrive

never got to our intended destination

which was supposed to be Love.

Now “Forgiveness” becomes the word I hear

in between my breaths, chants and prayers…

“Forgiveness,” when it used to be the words “I Love You”

reverberating in my head.

Now “Love” becomes Let Go, Detach and Forgive.

Sounds like a romance to me….


Estimated Arrival Time that Never Made it Past Departure

You came and went

Actually, you never really got here

But we were both waiting for that

The only way you could have stayed

– was to Change

With a capital “C”

This would have been like a plastic surgery

that you could never undo

It would have been the incredible change you were waiting for

All of your life

This would have been your stay card

The secret code that got you into the Red Carpet Room

The VIP lounge

The member’s only entrance

But, you left before you got here.

I wanted you to revamp your whole way of speaking

I had it planned

Had the books you needed to read,

Was going to be your coach, your leader

Your guide to change.

I was going to teach you a new language

One of kindness, one of compassion

One of sincerity,

One of listening,

Of caring

Of really hearing another

The art of communication

From crisis to intervention

From chaos to calm

From separation

To interconnectedness through language.

I was going to have you speak in a tongue

That was neither your mother’s

Nor your father’s,

But would have changed you to be the President of anywhere

Would have had you master communication

Like a song bird singing to its mate.

I had you this way…in my mind.

I had it all figured out.

I bought the book and underlined the important parts

Highlighted everything

And bent the top of the pages for future reference

I mapped it all out,

Was going to show you the world

Through effective communication

But you never returned with an RSVP

And the VIP of Master of Ceremonies over Communication

Never even got off the ground

It never even had an engine

Never even bought the book

Never read the email that I sent

Never agreed to meet, to talk, to share

Never made it past “hello”

Before we created the “goodbye”

Paper Heart

My heart is made of paper mache

and doesn’t hold up well in the rain.

My heart is made of paper mache

and gets blown in the wind on a stormy day

It cannot be protected from even the mildest pain

My heart is made of paper mache.

I wish I could pour bronze over it

Or bury it a thousand leagues under the sea

It wouldn’t be torn apart, or shredded, melted,

Or lost and wounded like a bewildered ghost torn from its grave.

My heart is made of paper mache

Do not look at me, I may get confused.

I may think your curiosity is interest

And weave a story of amazing love

Do not share with me your thoughts and concerns

For I might make that mean

that you want to combine your heart with mine

and make my paper heart stronger with yours, bolstering its fragility

Do not come close only to back away

For my heart is made of paper mache

And it doesn’t hold up in the rain.


Ancient Warmth

I miss your toes,

I wake up missing you

Go to sleep missing you

Spend the day pretending I don’t miss you

I walk the Earth now without you

But you glide above me

My arms no longer fit around your torso

My eyes no longer meet your eyes

Though your energy caresses me

You are here, yet also there

I am almost here and not yet there

I walk in-between hoping to find you

I find neither you nor myself

I wait for your return in another

I make you there

Force their arms to be yours

Their voice with you behind it

You were my Ancient Warmth

That wrapped around me safety

You cradled me, shielded me

Braced and embraced me

I leaned on your Ancient Warmth

To bring me Home

Now I must find my own Ancient Warmth

Inside of myself

I wanted you to do it for me

So I wouldn’t have to rise to my own occasion

I wanted to always hide my strength

Behind yours

Now you stepped aside physically

And I feel exposed

God does this to wake me.